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03/2013 對話訊息:愛的語言--非暴力溝通 | Language of Love- Nonviolent Communication

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愛的語言-非暴力溝通

朝邦文教基金會,03 月2013年對話新訊息

3月4日<對話分享會>主題是:愛的語言~非暴力溝通。分享人,李志強先生在短短的2.5小時內,闡述重要觀點 佐以親身豐富的實務經驗, 參與者受益良多。我們特別邀請Jester, 為3月份的對話新訊息主筆,摘要他在3月4日<對話分享會>的精彩內容。

作者:李志強,光原社會企業共同創辦人

無論是社會企業、戲劇引導或是青少年培訓,我的工作經常需要與人往來,而其中許多是帶著不同的需求與渴望的人們。為了能夠和更多人做更好的連結,我常常尋找更有效益的方式,例如開放空間會議、各種引導與對話的方法、被壓迫者劇場等等。然而在面對許多不同聲音的碰撞時,依然會感到困惑與不足。我感覺在這些很好的方法背後,我身為一個引導者,需要更好的準備並打開自己,才能支持與維繫對話的場域。

二○○九年初因為研究非暴力之故,我正式接觸到非暴力溝通的概念。一開始被非暴力溝通的目的以及結構化的操作方式吸引,然而真正運用在生活中才發現,原來那些看似理所當然的陳述,竟是如此難以實踐。

什麼是非暴力溝通?

什麼是非暴力溝通(Nonviolent Communication)呢?非暴力溝通是由馬歇爾.盧森堡博士(Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.)所發現的一種溝通方式。他因為年幼時親身體會的暴力對待而反思:「究竟是什麼,使人們難以體會到彼此心中的愛,以致互相傷害?又是什麼,讓有些人即使在充滿敵意的環境中,也能心存愛意?」而後,他發現了一種讓人們能夠和自己與他人建立愛的連結的溝通方式,這就是非暴力溝通。

在非暴力溝通中,非暴力指的是「當心中沒有暴力存在時,我們自然流露的慈愛本性」。因此,也被稱為愛的語言或是善意溝通。非暴力溝通假設,人們的天性中存在著慈悲,暴力是後天學習而來。同時假定人們擁有相同的基本需要,而我們的每一個行動都在致力於滿足其中一項或是多項的需要。

在非暴力溝通中,會以兩種動物的語言模式來隱喻暴力和非暴力的溝通方法。前者以視線不好的胡狼為代表,常常使用貼標籤、批評和攻擊的語彙。後者則以長頸鹿為代表,長頸鹿擁有陸地生物中最大的心臟,有較高的視野,有能力用愛與他人連結。

非暴力溝通透過結構化的練習和表述方式,引導實踐者覺察與修煉。包括「誠實地表達自己,而不批評或指責」,以及「關切地傾聽他人,而不解讀為批評或指責」。透過觀察、感受、需要和請求四個階段來表述自己的狀況以及聆聽他人的狀況。

表一:非暴力溝通的基礎語言模式

誠實地表達自己

關切地傾聽他人

觀察

當我(看、聽、想到) ……

當你(看、聽、想到)……

感受

我感到……

你感到……(嗎?)

需要

因為我需要/看重……

因為你需要/看重……(嗎?)

請求

你是否願意……

所以,你想……(嗎?)

由於非暴力溝通提供了明確的步驟,因此初接觸者常常認為非暴力溝通僅是一種語法規則(Syntax)。語法的練習有助於我們在日常生活中覺察並學習,然而事實上運用非暴力溝通的潛在意圖是讓每個人能和自己以及他人連結。當我們熟練之後,就能夠更自由地在日常生活各個面向運用非暴力溝通。

人們說的其實都是「請」或「謝謝你」!

從非暴力溝通的觀點出發,所有的感受都源自於自身的需要得到滿足抑或是尚未得到滿足。換句話說,我們是自己感受的主人,而他人無需為我們的感受負責。「你讓我……」、「我不得不……」這一類的話語被認為是未能對自己負責,而把責任推給他人。正因為所有的感受源於自身需要是否被滿足,也因此在與他人互動時,所有的表達也可以解讀成為需要是否被滿足的訊息:當需要被滿足時,即表達出「謝謝」;當需要尚未被滿足時,即表達出「請」。

例如,非暴力溝通認為,當人們聽到不中聽的話時,有四種可能的選擇。第一種選擇是責備自己。我們會因為別人的指責而覺得自己做錯,因此沮喪、內疚甚至厭惡自己。第二種選擇則是指責他人。我們可能會感到憤怒,同時駁斥他人。這兩種選擇有時無助於彼此建立愛的連結。第三種選擇是瞭解我們自身的感受和需要。透過這個選擇,我們重新和自己連結,並和自己在一起。第四種選擇則是用心體會他人的感受和需要。這時,我們試著了解並與他人建立連結。

當我們與自己相處時,我們也可以透過哀悼和慶祝的方法來與自己產生連結,並且面對滿足與尚未滿足的需要。當我們覺察到尚未滿足的需要時,我們也許會覺得沮喪和悲傷。此時我們可以將焦點專注於此一需要,並為之哀悼。透過這個哀悼的過程,我們可以更進一步的學習,發現並正視我們自身的需要,以及有意識的尋找滿足需要的新策略。

另一方面,當我們的需要被滿足時,我們可以慶祝這個美好的感受。我們可以問問自己:這次互動我有什麼具體的「觀察」?當我回想起這個情景時我現在「感覺」如何?我的這些感覺是由於什麼樣的「需要」所引起?當我們將焦點專注於滿足的需要時,我們也可以學習未來在類似的情境中,如何再次滿足自己的需要,並對自己與他人為了滿足這些需要所做的一切表達感激之意。另一方面,這個過程也有助於未來我們將注意力專注在試圖創造更多相同的經驗。

誠如亞拉伯罕.馬斯洛(Abraham Maslow)所言,「人們了解自己的需求並非易事,這是一種非常罕見難得的心理成就。」透過了解自身與他人的需要,不但有助於尋找到真正有助益的策略,也能夠協助彼此在愛的連結中共同成長。

非暴力溝通的學習、運用與發展

目前非暴力溝通廣泛的運用在不同的區域與族群,包括學校、家庭、和平工作、療癒、監獄、社會變革場域、各種助人工作和職場環境等等。對非暴力溝通有興趣的朋友,可以到非暴力溝通中心網站(http://www.cnvc.org/)得到更多的訊息,或是參考光啟文化翻譯的中文書籍。 參考書籍:《愛的語言:非暴力溝通》,馬歇爾.盧森堡著,光啟文化出版。

Language of Love: Nonviolent Communication

CP YEN Foundation, March  2013 Dialogue Newsletter

March 4th’s Dialogue Sharing was facilitated by Jester Lee on the topic of “Language of Love: Nonviolent Communication.”  In a mere 2.5 hours participants benefited from Jester’s views and wealth of practical experience, so we especially invited Jester to write this March Dialogue Newsletter about the contents of his March 4th dialogue sharing.

Article by: Jester Lee, Co-founder of the social enterprise O-Power

Whether in social enterprises, theater facilitation or youth training, my work often requires me to interact with people who have different needs and expectations.  I’m often in search for effective tools such as open space meeting technology and different ways to facilitate dialogue so that I can have a better connection with more people.  However to support a dialogic field I feel I need to have better preparation as a facilitator.  I encountered nonviolent communication in early 2009 and from the very start I was attracted to its purpose and structure.  Yet only when I used it in my life did I realize those seemingly obvious statements could be so difficult to practice.

What is Nonviolent Communication?

Nonviolent Communication was developed by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg who since a young age would often reflect about violence, wondering “what makes love so difficult to appreciate that we end up hurting one another?  Why can some people be in a hostile environment and yet still feel love?”  Then he found a way of communication that creates a loving connection between oneself and others.  That’s nonviolent communication.

Nonviolent communication occurs when our minds are free of violence and we experience a spontaneous outpouring of our loving nature.  Nonviolent communication assumes people are naturally compassionate, and that violence is only learned later in life.  It also assumes that people have similar basic needs and each of our actions is committed to satisfying one or more of these needs.

Dr. Rosenberg uses the language patters of two kinds of animals as a metaphor for violence and nonviolent communication.  Violence is represented by a jackal with poor eyesight who will use categorical vocabulary to criticize and attack.  Nonviolence is represented by a giraffe who has the largest heart among terrestrial animals and with his higher vision is able to connect with others with love.  Nonviolent communication uses structured exercises and demonstrations to guide the practitioner’s awareness and practice.  It includes “honest self-expression without criticism or blame” as well as “concerned listening to others without critical interpretation”.  Through the four steps of observation, feelings, needs and requests the process enables the expression of one’s own situation and listening to the situation of others.

Chart 1: Nonviolent Communication’s basic language patterns

Honestly Expressing Oneself:

Concerned Listening to Others:

Observation

When I (See, hear, think of) ... 

When you (see, hear, think of)... 

Feeling

I feel ....

Do you feel .... ?

Need

Because I need / care about .... 

Because you need/care about ....?

Request

Would you be willing to .... ? 

So you think .... ?

Because nonviolent communication provides clear steps, beginners often think that it’s simply a kind of grammatical syntax.  Language patterns assist our learning practice, but the ultimate intention is to connect to one’s own and to other’s inner potential.  Once skilled, nonviolent communication can be freely used in various aspects of daily life.

All we actually say is “please” or “thank you”!

From the point of view of nonviolent communication all feelings originate from one’s needs being met or unmet.  We are the masters of our own feelings, others are not responsible for our feelings.  “You make me...”, “I can’t help but....” as types of phrases expressing irresponsibility to oneself and putting the blame on others.  Because all feelings come from our own needs being met and our interactions with others, all expressions can be interpreted as: when needs are met they are expressions of “thank you”, when needs are not met they are expressions of “please”.

For example, when hearing unpleasant words one has four possible options in nonviolent communication.  The first option is to blame oneself, where because of someone else’s accusations, we’ll feel at fault, frustration, guilt and disgusted with oneself.  The second option is to blame others, causing one to feel angry and contradict others.  These two options do not help people establish a loving connection.  A third option is to understand one’s own feelings and needs, through this option we renew the connection to oneself and others.  A fourth option is to try to experience the feelings and needs of others and thereby establish understanding and connection with others.

When we get along with oneself and others, we can create connection by mourning and celebrating the satisfaction and dissatisfaction of needs.  When observing the dissatisfaction of needs, we will perhaps feel frustrated and sad, so we can focus on mourning this particular need.  Through this mourning process we can learn, discover and face up to our own needs and consciously search for a new strategy to address these needs.

On the other hand, when needs are satisfied, we can celebrate this good feeling and ask oneself: what is a specific observation about this interaction?  When I remember this scene what are my feelings?  What kind of needs created these feelings?  When we focus on satisfying present needs, we can also learn how to satisfy future needs in similar situations as well as how to express gratitude for what oneself and others have done to satisfy these needs.  This process also helps us to create more similar experiences in the future.

Abraham Maslow observed that “its not easy for people to understand their needs, this is a very rare psychological achievement.”  Understanding our own and others’ needs will enable us to find a really helpful strategy and assists each other to grow a mutually loving connection.

Learning, Using and Development Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent communication is used widely in various places and groups, including in schools, families, peace work, healing, prisons, social change domains, and various workplace environments.  If you’re interested to learn more, please visit the Nonviolent Communication Center’s website (http://www.cnvc.org/) or refer to books translated by the Kuangchi Cultural Group, such as: Nonviolent Communication: Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg

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